With Strings Attached
Words by Stephanie Burnette
Heirlooms. What do we do with them? My parents ran estate sales, so I've seen the agony that a gift from a family member can bestow upon the next generation.
It can feel like a form of paralysis, the inability to use or dispose of something handed down. Imagine an item with such emotional value that it can neither be enjoyed nor released back into the world. It helps to acknowledge that heirlooms are things, not the hand that held them, not the memories associated with them.
So, what do you keep, and why? And what do you get rid of, and how? The truth is, you should keep what you love. If it’s special to you, then accept an heirloom graciously and plan to use it in your home. We’re all guilty of squirreling things away never to be seen again, but an heirloom is meant to be seen and spoken about. It’s a fresh form of ancestral worship.
If the item is not quite your aesthetic—could it be? There is no reason not to reframe a painting or reset a broach or add a modern lampshade. And let no one tell you otherwise. One good-looking antique in a room of modern furnishings can be a showstopper. Add a short stack of coffee table books and your favorite plant baby, and you’re in business.
Collections are a clever way to incorporate a treasured item into your interiors. Let’s say the heirloom is a piece of blue Opaline, and you love the hue but have nothing else that color. Begin a collection. A bookshelf with solely turquoise items can read surprisingly minimal. Or hunt for other Opaline items. A set of vases looks amazing on a mantel; a pair of lamps could be just what your guest room needs to pull it together.
But items you don’t find beautiful will never see the light of day and will indeed create weight in your household. Will you pack them up—yet again—and carry them to your next stop? Do you plan to burden your children with them too? While it’s scary to potentially disappoint a gift giver, a simple call to action may be in order. Group text your family this message: “I don’t have a spot for this. Would love to get it to someone who does.”
If there are no takers, then there’s no place for guilt. Nilly Barr is a therapist who also specializes in cultural immersion. She says it’s best to prioritize kindness within a family dynamic. “It’s compassion inward and compassion outwards that can release us from the undue weight of guilt.”
She also says your intuition will tell you what you want to keep, so trust your gut. If you’re truly undecided, ask this question out loud, “If this didn’t come from a family member, would I keep it?”
When you decide it’s time for you and an heirloom to part ways, it’s appropriate to offer to return it to the giver. This can be accomplished over text or by e-mail and should include the closing phrase, “Or I plan to sell or donate it.”
If you decide to sell an heirloom, then determining its cash value is important. Cash value is what an item is worth for cash today. This can be anywhere from 50 to 70% of its insurable value. Online marketplaces, such as eBay and Etsy, have tools for what similar items have sold for recently. This is key, and it’s a good place to start. Waiting for the right buyer is another apt strategy. Getting a fair liquidation price—one you feel good about—is always the right call.
Donation is a quick way for everyone to feel like a winner. Gone are the days of an unwitting seller. Organizations today are adept at researching and pricing your family’s item and will use the proceeds for good. Consider a cause that means something to your family, and share the news with them. Personally, you can write off the cash value as a donation with a signed receipt at the end of the year.
Offering Heirlooms
- Once the young people in your life are adults, ask them what they might want to have in their homes. Start with the question, “What two or three things would you one day want?” Their answers may surprise you. When my parents asked, I knew exactly what I wanted: an antique settle I sat on at the dinner table, and the bowl they dropped their keys in by the door.
- Use “the red dot method.” It’s both simple and effective to employ. Purchase a sheet of dots and write names on them. Stick a dot behind or underneath the desired items. During your estate planning, include this line: “Items with a red dot belong to the person named.”
- If you downsize and no longer have room for a red dot item, give the item sooner. The recipient will be thrilled by your thoughtfulness.